Not doing what excites you, brings tension.
Every man leads two lives. On the outside he lives as an accountant, construction worker or family man. He pays his tax, puts out the trash on Sunday evening and walks his dog. On the inside, he lives the dream of what he would like to be, who he really is and the life he knows is within his potential.
The more a man desires to use his true potential, the stronger the battle between these two lives will be in him. A man who is in contact with what his mission really is will experience this struggle as frustration and anger. This will sometimes seem to stem from external events, but after self-examination it appears to really be tension and guilt about not living our potential. Someone who does not know his mission will experience this struggle as emptiness, feeling that “something is missing” without knowing what and going through life as a “zombie” without true emotions, passion and decisiveness. This is reflected in, among other things, the connection that a man has with himself, his interactions with other men and women and the courage with which we act and are present with emotions of ourselves and others. We feel like we have lost ourselves.
What does this fight look like?
Many men do not feel at home. Old ways of macho behavior no longer work, but dealing with feelings in a feminine way doesn’t work either. For the first time, we are invited to a full masculinity that can integrate both feminine and masculine qualities, in the right way. There is no tested path for this, nor are there many others who consciously propagate this it. We need to be explorers and revolutionaries. That is why feelings of loneliness, emptiness or tension can arise. In short, we don’t feel at home.
Where does this tension come from?
There are several reasons why many men wage an internal war between the two above-mentioned lives. Some of them have to do with standards in society, from parents, family, friends and books about what a man should be like. We are afraid of not being anyone when we release these “certainties of generally accepted lives.” But the truth is the opposite; To really be someone, to be real, we have to let go of who we think we should be. What will remain is who we really are.
It’s easy to say, perhaps. But why don’t we all do this?
As mentioned, there are several reasons why many men fight an internal war. Part of this has to do with learned ideas about who we should be, how a “real man” behaves and what he achieves. A few examples:
- In our society there are “macho” ideas about a tough male “provider” who is decisive, cannot be told what to do and does not show emotions
- In addition, there are sounds that men should not get angry, that screaming or physical struggle is bad and that we have to resolve emotions by analyzing or talking about them
The truth is that every man expresses himself in a different way. There are as many roads as there are people. But not allowing an important part of the male spectrum (anger, physical contact and sometimes even violence) is unhealthy. Something needs to be done with this at both individual and group level.
The real cause
It is now clear that society does not always encourage completeness of being with men. But would this really matter if we were convinced of who we are? In other words, if our compass is clear?
The reason that we are bothered by things that come from outside is that we believe we need them. That they say something about our identity. From an early age we have learned that we are not complete on our own. That we have to gain happiness and an identity outside of ourselves to be someone and to be able to relax. For example, by obtaining a diploma, having lots of friends or money. Because of this we are constantly in stress, because the things outside of ourselves can be lost as well. We are fighting for something that we cannot control and this takes our attention away from our mission. As a result, masculine qualities such as responsibility, decisiveness and mission become burden, duty and must.
“In a world where society says – you have to be like this – we are taught to – behave like that – and our environment says – you have to act like this-, how do we know who you are and what we are doing here?”
On the other hand, there is something that is within our control; the way we relate to our life.
What is our destination?
Men can help each other by doing the necessary work within themselves, by making their path negotiable and thus setting an example for others. By making a connection with themselves and other men, burden, duty and must again become responsibility, decisiveness and mission. By making a connection with what is exciting and what you like, the relaxation we are longing for can be found.