At times we all think we’ve got everything together; great friends, feel good about ourselves and have overcome the limitations that prevented from having meaningful interactions before.

So good. And we meet someone who is exactly wat we want and get close with them. Only one day a sudden fear strikes or we feel distant out of the blue. Maybe the need for security and confirmation from the other pops-up.

While almost everyone encounters these feelings at some point, it is how we deal with them that determines what will follow.

For me the most healthy way to look at this as as follows;

  1. The awareness; ‘ Hey I feel the need for certainty and tendency to lean on the other for this.”
  2. The recognition; ‘I have experienced these feelings before.’ This is crucial since we now recognise this emotion and it’s possible effect on our behaviour, which means we are not totally immersed in it. We can look at without having to act upon it, which enables as to make a different decision.
  3. Decide and feel how a perfect interaction with ourselves and the person we’re intimate with would go down. Assume you are that person and act accordingly.

Lifeline: If we are together with someone or if it’s difficult to concentrate on determining how the ideal situation would feel for us, we can use this question; ‘If i was totally and completely the person I know myself to be (the best version of myself), how would I respond now?’ I would only use this question when you don’t have the time to focus on step no.3 since it can also impose the idea that we need to be perfect in order to deal with emotions in a healthy way.

These above mentioned steps allow us to change paths from an old pattern to a new way of being which is more in alignment with what we want.

Of course this does not only go for intimate relationships but for any interpersonal or in-person (with yourself) contact.

What are your experiences with this?


Tobias Mol

About Tobias Mol

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