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There seem to be two main tendencies in men on how to handle their inner process when in a relationship.

The first is keeping your inner life, doubts and thought process to yourself. This attitude is often accompanied with more stereotypical masculine characteristics like being distant, non talkative and the refusal to be vulnerable.

When we zoom in on this mentality, we see that it is often rooted in insecurity and how to be a ‘real man’. It is an attempt to hold on to an identity, mirrored from either a father, movie or read about in a book, in order to ‘be someone’.

The basic driving forces behind this are:

1. The need for security; To know yourself, to know who you are and to find security in this (not knowing that the feeling we long for is not to be found in definitions or mental constructs). 

2. A sense of shame or coming up short on one’s own expectations of himself and how he would like to be there for others. This can, when approached with self-kindness and awareness, cause him to harden and take a distance. he doesn’t deem himself to be worthy of anything else. 

Most often it is a combination of the two. 

On the other hand, there are men who have embraced the ‘open’ path and willingly share all their feelings with their intimate partners or friends. They often not only like talking about their inner world, they seem to need it. This tendency stems from a need for outside approval and recognition, which is not being given to oneself at that point. 

Zooming in on these tendencies we find that they are really the same, only the expression is different. And as always we are asked (and forced) to not only find the right balance between them, but the right motivation for either sharing or handling alone. 

What this looks like may be different for everyone, but to find it we must first understand why we have these tendencies and how to give ourselves what we either look to find in an image/idea of what we think we need to be or someone else. 

Sharing then will no longer be motivated by a need for approval but will be a way of opening up and connecting on a deeper level. Handling things by yourself will no longer be a withdrawal from love but a part of your natural solving attitude and kingly independence. 


Tobias Mol

About Tobias Mol

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