Self-sabotage is not something we aim for but when seen in perspective, it can provide a lot of clarity.

Here’s how:

I have often wondered why I didn’t have the type of relationships I would like to have, both romantically and in friendships.

While I was always investing and trying to make the best out of things, at the same time I was holding a certain distance and not able to create or invite the connections that I wanted.

Now was this also due to not meeting the right people for me, but we often attract the right things when we use the right approach, which is what this post is about.

The thing is that although I put the effort in friendships, I was often distant as well. Not so much in my behaviour but in what lay underneath. There was some sort of filter between myself and the other.

Pushing away

One of the possible reasons for this of course is the people around you are not really your people and that you think you have to hang out with them anyway. And so you do it with reluctance. But what I’ve recently discovered is that we can also push things away because OUR WAYS OF ACHIEVING them are not in line with what we want or who we are.

When I maintain a mindset that is not serving me while trying to reach a goal (it being in personal relationships or otherwise), I am blocking myself from achieving it.

So when I am trying to be friends with people by doing things that are not really my thing or from a place where I think need them, there is some resistance in me because that way of being friends with people is not how I want it. And I block myself from being ‘successful’ in that way. In a relationship, when I am holding an idea of who I need to be in order to be loved, I can automatically take a distance from the other person because that way of being does not serve me.

Recognize what’s happening

Of course this doesn’t have to have anything to do with the other but it can sabotage your relationship when you are not aware of this process*. You may actually feel trapped and fight an internal battle between what you want (i.e. have a connection with the other) and your self protection from ways of being that are not in line with what you want (a way of trying to achieve that which is not what you want). Only you often don’t know this is happening and just feel isolated and distanced.

Recognizing this feeling may work for you when you become aware it’s positive side; reminding you to align your ways of being or ‘HOW’ you do things with who you are and whats good for you. The rest will sort itself out.

*This does not mean that the other can never have anything to do with you having a difficult time (which is also a lesson). But we work from the situation that the other has nothing to do with this here.

What are your experiences with this?

Let me know,


Tobias Mol

About Tobias Mol

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